Nelly and The Case of the Mad Mama
Resolving Aggressive Cat Behavior in a Multi-Person Household
I recently visited Nelly, a three-year-old cat living on the Upper East Side (UES) with two young women, A and M. Although Nelly is A’s cat, she started attacking M—especially at night—after M returned from an extended absence due to a family emergency. Nelly, who had previously bonded well with M, suddenly seemed to view her as a threat.
This change in behavior led M, who grew up with dogs and had limited experience with cats, to fear Nelly. M expressed a strong desire to rebuild her connection with Nelly but felt lost on how to do so. My goal was to help her understand Nelly’s perspective and to establish a foundation for restoring trust between them.
Understanding Nelly's History and Behavior
After talking with A and M, I learned that Nelly had a history that could influence her territorial instincts. Before her rescue, she had two litters and was used to being in charge. These maternal instincts may still surface when she feels her space is threatened, especially by someone she perceives as unfamiliar or acting unpredictably.
When I met Nelly, she behaved calmly around me, unlike her usual reactions to visitors. This is a common scenario in my consultations. Cats often sense my understanding of their body language and feel at ease, creating a mutual, non-verbal agreement: “I won’t harm you if you won’t harm me.”
Teaching Cat-Friendly Body Language to Build Trust
M was curious about my approach, so I demonstrated techniques for cat communication. Here’s what I advised:
Avoid Direct Eye Contact: Cats can perceive staring as threatening. I showed M how to sit on the floor, look away from Nelly, and avoid making direct eye contact.
Use Gentle Gestures: Instead of reaching out abruptly, I encouraged M to hold out a single finger as a greeting. This replicates feline nose-touching and allows the cat to approach on her own terms.
Relaxed Posture and Slow Blinking: Relaxing on the floor and engaging in slow blinking can signal trust. I explained how to offer slow blinks—a method often known as “cat kisses”—to convey peaceful intentions.
M hadn’t realized that her past actions, such as staring directly at Nelly, walking cautiously to avoid her, and misinterpreting tail movements as happy signals (common with dogs), might have contributed to Nelly’s defensiveness. Nelly likely responded to M’s nervous body language by feeling more defensive, reinforcing a cycle of tension.
Rebuilding the Bond and Future Steps
To help Nelly and M re-establish their relationship, I provided daily “homework.” M was to practice these communication techniques consistently, fostering a sense of safety and comfort for Nelly. As their trust rebuilds, I plan to return and work with A on some of Nelly’s other issues.
For those dealing with similar cat behavior challenges, resources like Jackson Galaxy’s show My Cat From Hell provide valuable insights into reading cat body language and adjusting our actions to make cats feel secure.
By understanding and respecting a cat’s unique form of communication, we can nurture better, more harmonious relationships with them—even in complex multi-person households.
